Yesterday, I told the barista politely that I am going to do something about our trade deficit.

The back story: I buy coffee from her, and she buys nothing from me. That’s not fair. That’s cheating. That’s abuse!

I tabulated the numbers and showed the result to her. I stared at her in ‘ancestral’ disgust and she arrogantly stared back in ‘Gen Z bemusement’ – as if to say: ‘this makes no sense, none at all.

I told her, to her face that her café has been very mean to me.

Very mean.

They have been abusing me for so long. I mean I buy a lot of things on their menu and I even know their off menu items by heart.

On some days just my regular double espresso. On some others, a double espresso and whatever my guests want to drink. Yet, on some other days, I add a fat poppy seed (for my wife) or choc chip muffin (for my girls) or both, if I was headed home from the café. All they do, every time is process my order, accept my money and hand me my coffee (and muffins).

That’s bad. Terrible. Baaad.

I did something about it.

I imposed a tariff on all my purchases from the café. A 100% tariff.

This morning, I paid twice as much for my espresso. But here is the catch, the café only got the normal fare for the espresso. I got to keep in my new ‘special tariff wallet’, the tariff I billed to the barista and her fraudulent and cheating café enterprise.

The barista said some nonsense that I am not on her supplier list, and if I were she would have been patronising me, all along. Lie!

She went on to talk up a lot of nonsense about what I can do for her business – of which there was nothing – and gave me forms to fill to become one of her suppliers, if I can supply anything on her list. But, I don’t have time for that. Nonsense!

However, given that she grovelled and begged me, whilst standing still, with her tone measured as she addressed me, I have decided to suspend the tariffs for the next 90 days, with a plan to return to hostilities around July 4.

I am determined to make my tariff wallet great again!